God explains New Testament to Jews

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God explains New Testament to Jews

Message  IT'S ME, BITCHES!!! le Mar 8 Juin - 17:22

God: Hey Jews.
Jews: Hey.
God: So listen guys, I’m thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.
Jews: What?

God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.

Jews: We don't follow.
God: Okay, work with me here guys. Remember the whole ‘angry God’ thing?
Jews: Vividly.
God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-
Jews: Yeah.
God: And forty years in the-
Jews: We remember that.
God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.
Jews: Wait, what?
God: Whoops, forget I said that. "Spoiler Alert", am I right?

Jews: ...

God: Anyway, we’re going to re-work this whole “God” thing. For example, kid-friendly is big these days in religion.

Jews: So, like...?

God: For example, I’m super chill now, for some reason. Plus there's a heaven. Oh, and this is Jesus. He’s my son, and he’s God too, or something. It’s complicated, ok?
Jesus: Yo.
Jews: I think we'll stick with the old one here.

God: Look, I love the brand loyalty Jews, I really do. But this whole “God” thing isn't playing to the right demographics. Jesus is a hip, young God, you know, for the whole “A.D.” generations.
Jesus: Surfs up, dudes!
God: Ha, that Jesus. What a character, right? This is going to play huge in Rome…
Jews: This…goes against everything you’ve ever told us.
God: No it doesn’t, so just shut up. Also, Jesus, you’re going to die.
Jesus: What? I thought I was your son! Or God. Or both!
God: Look, this is just complicated, okay Jesus? Besides, you totally return when you fight the Devil.

Jews: Who?

God: Right, he's another new character. He's like an evil God. Plot twist, right? We're arch enemies.

Jesus: Why would you make your own arch-enemy? That's really stupid.
God: Shut up, Jesus. And what would you know? You’re made of bread and wine.
Jesus: What? Why?
God: Sponsorships, alright? New testaments aren't cheap.
Jews: I'm sorry, this is just way too different. Is this your fan-fiction or something?
God: Of course not. This is the logical progression of Judaism which I planned all along. Like when I made all those references to a lamb.

Jews: You made, like, five.

God: Well, they were all about Jesus. Foreshadowing. Um, I guess. So there.

Jews: Couldn't you have been clearer then?

God: I work in mysterious ways, okay? Look, just go with it guys. I worked really hard on this. And come on, you totally owe me for the whole 'creation' thing anyway.
(pause)

Most Jews: Well, I guess we could.

God: Awesome! 'Most Jews', aka 'New Christians'-

New Christians: We're what now?

God: You won't regret this guys, I have the whole thing planned perfectly
Holy Ghost: Oooooooooh!

God: ...

New Christians: ...

God: You're going to love it.

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Re: God explains New Testament to Jews

Message  Fratos l'Arabe le Mer 9 Juin - 4:55

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